Nov 12:
Me: Dear Bossman, before I send you my thesis intro rough draft, is there anything you'd like me to do with it? I can provide a one-sentence summary of each paragraph, if you'd like.
Bossman: No, that is not necessary.
Nov 15:
Me: Dear Bossman, here is a rough draft of my thesis intro. Please give it a quick skim and let me know what sections need more or less info so I have a good base to work from.
Bossman: OK.
Nov 19:
Me: Dear Bossman, did you get time to read through my thesis intro this weekend? Please let me know when you've gotten through it, I'd like to meet and discuss what areas to focus on.
Bossman: No, I haven't read it. I will let you know when I have.
Nov 27:
Me: Dear Bossman, did you read my thesis intro yet?
Bossman: No.
Me: ... ... ....
Bossman: We should go over it in person, in real time when I am reading it for the first time. I'd like for you to give me a one-sentence summary of each paragraph while I am reading it.
Me: *blink* Ok.
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
Monday, November 26, 2012
Nothing quite says "Monday" like
...getting into the lab, starting some benchwork and realizing that the supply order hasn't come in yet and you can't actually run your samples.
...finally getting around to searching for articles that were recommended to you by a PI, and finding that the html code is off for your library's access to the journal that these articles are in, and you have no access.
...opening up your email to find, yet again, no suggestions on your thesis intro from your boss (who has had it now for nearly two weeks).
...printing off interesting data to sit down and go over with your post-doc mentor and they get a call to come pick up their child at school immediately.
...the high point of the workday is finding that the janitor accidentally left a roll of small trash bags in your office, which you can pilfer and use to take out the radioactive waste in the lab.
Yes, trash bags are the highlight of the day so far. Trash bags.
...finally getting around to searching for articles that were recommended to you by a PI, and finding that the html code is off for your library's access to the journal that these articles are in, and you have no access.
...opening up your email to find, yet again, no suggestions on your thesis intro from your boss (who has had it now for nearly two weeks).
...printing off interesting data to sit down and go over with your post-doc mentor and they get a call to come pick up their child at school immediately.
...the high point of the workday is finding that the janitor accidentally left a roll of small trash bags in your office, which you can pilfer and use to take out the radioactive waste in the lab.
Yes, trash bags are the highlight of the day so far. Trash bags.
Wednesday, November 21, 2012
Dear productivity,
Go away so I can do some Christmas shopping or something.
Sincerest regards,
K
Almost two weeks without an update? Lets just call that "productivity."
Know whats tough? When your coworkers have all left, the bossman is sick and not in the office, and tomorrow is Thanksgiving. And what am I doing? Graphing some shit. The one day I could just go home and dawdle around and play some Super Mario World and Christmas shop online and not get busted, what am I doing? Working. Legit work. I'm doing so much work today that I want to bail on my evening plans (of which are not bail-able and would screw me in the end if I missed) so I can do MORE WORK.
WHO AM I???
Sometimes I'm too productive for my own good.
Sincerest regards,
K
Almost two weeks without an update? Lets just call that "productivity."
Know whats tough? When your coworkers have all left, the bossman is sick and not in the office, and tomorrow is Thanksgiving. And what am I doing? Graphing some shit. The one day I could just go home and dawdle around and play some Super Mario World and Christmas shop online and not get busted, what am I doing? Working. Legit work. I'm doing so much work today that I want to bail on my evening plans (of which are not bail-able and would screw me in the end if I missed) so I can do MORE WORK.
WHO AM I???
Sometimes I'm too productive for my own good.
Saturday, November 10, 2012
It happened here, folks
Here, at 3:50pm CDT. The first draft of the introduction to my thesis was written. 40 pages of total fact diarrhea. Verbal garbage with no references.
But its a complete first draft, in 6 days Yeah, fuckers.
THATS how you do it. Boo-yah.
But its a complete first draft, in 6 days Yeah, fuckers.
THATS how you do it. Boo-yah.
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
Why don't you ever work at your desk anymore?
It is 1:30pm. I have been in this office since 8:30am, excepting a 30-minute meeting and a 30-minute lunch. There has not been a millisecond of silence the entire time.
I am going to kill someone.
On a side note, I have 15 pages of my thesis introduction written. Its real now, homies.
I am going to kill someone.
On a side note, I have 15 pages of my thesis introduction written. Its real now, homies.
Monday, November 5, 2012
The compulsion spell
Scene: The bossman visits the research staff office.
After he leaves, the new post-doc (the new, new one) comes around, wide-eyed, and says, "He has his thing where he just stands there and looks at you, and I feel compelled to say something. Anything. Talk about everything I did that day. Throw data at him. My weekend. Everything ever. Like I need to justify every second of my workday, or why they're giving me a paycheck."
Bossman leaves office. 30 minutes later, so do the technicians and the new post-doc. Run, run!
(End Scene)
Yes. This happens often. It's bossman 101. It took about two years for me to learn this move. The answer? Don't say anything.
I'm pretty sure its a compulsion spell. He just stands there and looks at you, expectantly, with no conversational lead. Just staring. And you can feel it burbling up, horrible verbal diarrhea, bouncing from topic to topic with minimal conceptual details about anything.
Much like free food, the strength of the compulsion spell can be written in an equation form.
C = [T/(Pd x Pp)]^n
C is the strength of compulsion, or how likely you are to begin talking about anything and everything. T is the amount of time the bossman has been standing at your desk, silent like a gargoyle. Pd refers to your progress on whatever you have been working on during that particular day, and is related in a separate formula to time spent on facebook, gmail, and self-christmas shopping. Pp represents total progress on current project, often long-term. The relationhip of Pd x Pp to C suggests that the less progress you've actually made, either overall or on a particular day, the more likely you are to throw out every scrap of relevant scientific information once he enters proximity. Were you just surfing pictures of kittens wrapped up like burritos? Were you in the act of updating your facebook status? Verbal diarrhea. You were actually working on data analysis or writing a thesis introduction outline? You have nothing to say. High progress levels suggest that you are "in the zone," and if you don't take the bait, he'll leave soon, and you can get more work done (and finish early, go home, make soup and spend the evening with a bottle of wine watching Anderson Cooper shut down a bunch of blathering politicians on TV).
Oh, what is n? n is the number of people who are in the office, sitting or standing in proximity, all staring at each other silently. Never have I felt more compelled to interject with ANYTHINGDEARGODJUSTSAYSOMETHING than when in a meeting with the bossman and the previous grad student ("golden child") while both parties stared at each other silently for several minutes. There was no compulsion spell winner then, only a loser, which was me, because I was unable to resist and threw out every minimally relevant bite of knowledge I had, none of which were necessary or helpful.
After he leaves, the new post-doc (the new, new one) comes around, wide-eyed, and says, "He has his thing where he just stands there and looks at you, and I feel compelled to say something. Anything. Talk about everything I did that day. Throw data at him. My weekend. Everything ever. Like I need to justify every second of my workday, or why they're giving me a paycheck."
Bossman leaves office. 30 minutes later, so do the technicians and the new post-doc. Run, run!
(End Scene)
Yes. This happens often. It's bossman 101. It took about two years for me to learn this move. The answer? Don't say anything.
I'm pretty sure its a compulsion spell. He just stands there and looks at you, expectantly, with no conversational lead. Just staring. And you can feel it burbling up, horrible verbal diarrhea, bouncing from topic to topic with minimal conceptual details about anything.
Much like free food, the strength of the compulsion spell can be written in an equation form.
C = [T/(Pd x Pp)]^n
C is the strength of compulsion, or how likely you are to begin talking about anything and everything. T is the amount of time the bossman has been standing at your desk, silent like a gargoyle. Pd refers to your progress on whatever you have been working on during that particular day, and is related in a separate formula to time spent on facebook, gmail, and self-christmas shopping. Pp represents total progress on current project, often long-term. The relationhip of Pd x Pp to C suggests that the less progress you've actually made, either overall or on a particular day, the more likely you are to throw out every scrap of relevant scientific information once he enters proximity. Were you just surfing pictures of kittens wrapped up like burritos? Were you in the act of updating your facebook status? Verbal diarrhea. You were actually working on data analysis or writing a thesis introduction outline? You have nothing to say. High progress levels suggest that you are "in the zone," and if you don't take the bait, he'll leave soon, and you can get more work done (and finish early, go home, make soup and spend the evening with a bottle of wine watching Anderson Cooper shut down a bunch of blathering politicians on TV).
Oh, what is n? n is the number of people who are in the office, sitting or standing in proximity, all staring at each other silently. Never have I felt more compelled to interject with ANYTHINGDEARGODJUSTSAYSOMETHING than when in a meeting with the bossman and the previous grad student ("golden child") while both parties stared at each other silently for several minutes. There was no compulsion spell winner then, only a loser, which was me, because I was unable to resist and threw out every minimally relevant bite of knowledge I had, none of which were necessary or helpful.
Thursday, November 1, 2012
Jerktown, population: me
I'm currently in a writing workshop. I just took the last of the regular coffee, in my giant travel mug. There are two and a half hours left.
I JUST BECAME THAT PERSON.
[Aside: the only thing left on the fruit and cheese tray is a giant pile of swiss cheese. Homies, Y U hate the holey stuff? Swiss cheese, I'll eat you. I'll be your friend.]
I JUST BECAME THAT PERSON.
[Aside: the only thing left on the fruit and cheese tray is a giant pile of swiss cheese. Homies, Y U hate the holey stuff? Swiss cheese, I'll eat you. I'll be your friend.]
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