Successful meetings with the bossman

often go like this:

"Hm, well, I know I told you to write it like that, but I guess that doesn't sound good. Go back to the other way you had it organized."

...

"Oh, well, it looks like I told you to do this here, too. I suppose that just isn't necessary. Go ahead and take it out."

...

"Now that I read this, I know I told you to put it in, but I don't like it."


lather, rinse, bang head on desk, repeat.

I once read a paper that says I'm right and you're a fucking idiot.

Being a grad student is just a major stop on the way to always being right.

OH YEAH? WELL I READ A PAPER AND IT SAYS SUCH-AND-SUCH. SCIENCE SAYS YOU'RE WRONG, AND SCIENCE* IS ALWAYS RIGHT. SUCK ON THAT, JERKSTORE!




*(and by association, me)




Come on, you know you want to do that to someone.

Grad school, in a nutshell

Being a grad student is like having one really important project that could easily be completed in two years, and then suffering through five years of delays, such as so-and-so is gone for two weeks on vacation, the such-and-such instrument is broken and requires a month to be fixed, preparing posters for pointless conferences, retreats, department activities, extra coursework for fellowships, preparing for visiting scholars, being on committees, and creating massive data charts for your boss regarding things irrelevant to your work.

Sorry, let me return to preparing this step-by-step flow chart describing how antibodies are made by the immune system, so our visiting scholar has something to look at on Friday.

BAAAARRRRFFFFFF!

I just submitted my first resume and cover letter for a job. One that my boss didn't even bother to look at because he isn't interested in resumes and doesn't understand why all jobs everywhere don't use CVs.

I won't hear back for weeks, I know.

I still want to throw up a little.

Time is relative

Months have passed since I was supposed to start this one particular assay. First, we had to re-validate the method. Then our technician didn't want to deal with our finicky samples so we had to come up with a way to do things without her. After that, we had to get OK on radioactivity use in the lab space. Then everyone ever who was necessary to OK the radioactivity use went on vacation for a month or so, on alternating weeks.

Today, we have received the OK.

Around noon, our scintillation counter broke. Now we can't measure radioactivity.

And? Our special technician at the company who makes the machine... is on vacation.


SERIOUSLY?

Cake or death?

Reading a paper where each paragraph is a well-thought out and well-formatted piece of art is like getting a massive piece of cake. Even if you want to fall asleep halfway through, you keep chugging away because its just so damn good.

Embarrassment of the day...

Early morning lab meeting.

A senior investigator/almost-P.I. (the one who Professor Plum is modeled after, I think) presents the specific aims of a grant he is writing.

I think to myself... "hey, self, you read a paper on some similar stuff the other day. remember that? no? maybe vaguely? you should contribute, self, and speak up."

Me: "Oh, yeah, I definitely read a paper about (potential interesting concept for this grant) the other day. I think it was just published pretty recently."


Almost P.I.: "...yeah, actually, thats right here. Its ours."


Fuck.

There should be a workshop called ...

"How to write a resume for a job you're barely qualified for."

At this workshop, you learn how to build a resume around your most minimal qualifications, how to kiss ass to the correct people, and how to write a fucking cover letter.

LIFE SKILLS, PEOPLE. LIFE SKILLS.

You want to prepare PhDs to get jobs? Teach them how to get a fucking job. We might be capable of doing the job once we get it, but fuck all if we have any idea how to actually get the job.



Also, "How to find jobs that you're actually qualified for that have nothing to do with labwork."


I'm so brilliant, I should have the job of coming up with relevant, useful workshops. Oh wait, I saw that job posting and I'm not fucking qualified for it.

Science and Politics

....or "Why are there no facts in my science?"

I'm taking a scheduled break on notifying you of how the last several bossman meetings went (hint: "Can you meet at 4:30pm at this location not remotely close to work? I 'worked from home' today.") to discuss the jagged and dangerous meeting of science and politics. I am a science grad student, after all.

I read the science debate this year between the two major party presidential candidates. [Aside: my political quizzes suggest that I should vote for the green party candidate this year, which A) I never thought would happen because I'm not a crunchy granola treehugging hippie (although I do love to shop at TJ's) and B) is neat because their candidate is a lady.] It was a thrilling piece of literature, with such gems as:

"Well, I can definitely tell you that the climate is getting warmer. But as for that whole climate change thing? I just don't see the scientific proof."

"We need LESS government.... And it isn't that we need to give more money to NIH and to NASA, its that we need to *regulate* how they spend it better."

"Science shouldn't dictate scientific policy."

"Well, we'll weigh the scientific facts with the financial and regulatory end of things and then see what happens."

But the best one? "Its 'Global' warming, not 'America' warming."

(all comments are summarized from the main page at sciencedebate.org, to prevent readers' heads from exploding)

In this debate, there is a lot of "Yeah, that thing there, thats a problem. This is why it is a problem. We should definitely address it." And almost zero "This is how we address this problem." Now, I went back and read the answers from the 2008 science debate, and I think the candidates did a much better job of addressing questions (ok, at least one of them did). They actually addressed them instead of dancing around subjects with no concrete understanding or methodology.


And I was sitting here, thinking about all of this and then it hit me like a brick of shit, which is to say it made me freeze for a moment and wrinkle my nose in disgust... and say "...REALLY?" This is essentially no different than the politics that are going on in my department at my university right now.

A strong division between two separate, warring factions of leaders? Check.
Vacancy in the uppermost leadership position? Check.
Ridiculous opportunity losses for the department because people don't want to work together? (Pride! "But I want my courses to be the only required ones...") Check.




Excuse me, I'm having an epiphany. It requires me to open this ninth floor window so I can JUMP THE FUCK OUT OF IT.